by Ger Renton
Who is God?
What is God?
God won’t give you want you can’t handle.
That brings no comfort to a mother whose child is dying. It has been said to me thousands of times, from my mother to strangers witnessing Ethan’s behavior.
God is good.
Is He? Does God decide that your innocent baby will have a terminal illness? That it will take years to find this out and when you finally do, God throws a bit of hope here and there. Is it all God’s doing?
God is vengeful.
Is He? Does God decide to bring hard times on you; does He do that for kicks? To test us? Why? What is the point in that?
God answers your prayers.
Well, if He did, I would have a healthy son.
I have a theory. I believe God does absolutely nothing. I believe He is ever present. I believe He hears our prayers, but what can He really do?
So does God do much to help me?
I believe He is that small voice inside me telling me, “tomorrow will be a better day.”
I believe He is the wind that dries Ethan’s sheets on a mild beautiful day.
I believe He is the knowledge I somehow summon when dealing with specialists, doctors, and therapists.
I believe He gives me the strength to turn the other cheek when I’m met with ignorance.
I believe He fills me with the courage I need to raise a child, knowing that the child will never reach adulthood, and if he does, he will be no more than a baby in mind and body.
I believe He has given me eyes different from most. I see injustice, hardship, discrimination–yet my eyes can still see all the beauty around me–love, laughter, happiness.
I believe He gives me my sense of humor, to see the funny side in most situations.
Did God give me a child like Ethan to punish me? (I have had an adult ask me this and another tell me I must have done something really bad to have a child like Ethan.) No, no, no, God did not give me Ethan as a form of punishment. God gave me Ethan because I have a faulty X chromosome and shit happens.
God has given me so much that I sometimes feel like a superhero. I know that sounds silly, but I do. I feel like God has opened my eyes and heart and shown me what is important in life. He has shown me how to appreciate such a tiny, insignificant moment in time, to enjoy it and embrace it. He has shown me what it is like not to judge, not to join in with the tutting and stares.
As soon as I became a mum, God showed me love. More love than I could ever have had imagined. I’m sure every parent feels that way.
Once Ethan was diagnosed, God opened up my heart and my soul to a very unique, special kind of love, different from any other I felt before.
Who is God? I still don’t know. But He is with me.
What is God? Love…love like I’ve never known before.
God is good. Yes, yes, He is.
God is vengeful. Not the God I feel.