Feeling Feelings

by Jaide Camacho

Oh feelings…do I have to feel those?

I wasn’t taught how to feel all of my feelings. Feelings are what make us all human; unfortunately, not all of us are Superhero parents in every moment of the day. We have to allow feelings to come through and over us. Like a huge wave at times. Sense them, feel the full wave, accept them, and move on.

It is perfectly acceptable to feel a wide range of feelings as parents of kids who are medically fragile, though we don’t have to act on every single feeling.

I sometimes think that I am a fearless mom. Am I acting? (I should probably win an Academy Award.) But a lot of times I can allow fear to creep in and wreak havoc in my life. I am fearful of many things. When I wake up in the morning will my son be gone? What about when I am doing something two feet away from him, will he quit breathing?

I cannot allow the fear to consume me, or it removes me from living. It removes me from focusing on my son and the love that surrounds him. I cannot focus on the “what ifs” that my mind can make up. If I do, I am guaranteeing sleepless nights, being irritable towards others, and not taking the time for myself.

The other side of fear that is sometimes hard to find during the crush of a big wave of feelings is hope. I choose to put hope first and to put fear aside.

I am so hopeful for my son that at times I feel like a billboard for all hope can offer. My son is resilient and amazing. If he can power through the struggles that he has faced then so can I. We will choose to spread hope and love everywhere we go. I will advocate for him and our family, I will not only spread the knowledge and awareness but I can also spread love and hope.

Hopeful is a great place to be every day. It makes me feel better, my skin brighter, and my love stronger.

It may seem that hope and fear settle in the same place, but they do not. My feelings are my choice. My choice gives me freedom to live and love.

Author: Jaide Camacho • Date: 3/14/2017

About the Author

Jaide’s son Axel made quite an entrance into the world. After a perfectly normal pregnancy, he suffered a stroke and brain hemorrhage in the womb. He was placed on a ventilator. Multiple organs tried to fail, along with hemorrhaging in the brain and lungs. He was given multiple blood transfusions, and plasma and platelets. His seizures were so uncontrollable, he had to be put into a phenobarbital coma for several days. He was removed from the ventilator after ten days. The doctor was then able to perform an MRI, with the results being heartbreaking. The doctor began explaining all the damage that had occurred. We were told Axel would not eat, talk, walk or ever interact with his environment. He would most likely be blind and deaf. He would hardly be awake or move. He would live in a vegetative state. We were told our son would only live a few days, once taken off the ventilator. He most likely would aspirate, or have a seizure where he would stop breathing. The doctor sent us home with hospice care, not expecting Axel to be with us very long. Axel has been diagnosed with Infantile Spasms, Hypoxic-ischemic encephalopathy (severe), Intraventricular Hemorrhage grade III, Late preterm 34 weeks, Porencephalic Cyst, onset seizures, Diabetes Insipidus, Ventriculomegaly, Hypotonia, Microcephaly, and feeding problems. He has 28 resolved diagnoses as of now. #AngelsForAxel

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